My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
