Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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