god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
