i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
