The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
