i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Randomize
