Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
