i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
