just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
