She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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