3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
