They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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