small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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