Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
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