8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
