I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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