why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Randomize
