I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
i wish my penis had a tongue
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
