Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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