hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
