Nicole vs. Life
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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