I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
