did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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