Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
