see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
