Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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