I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
