her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
