i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
We have started to decorate penises.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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