the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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