Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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