I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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