the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
