Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
