3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I queefed so loud it echoed.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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