I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
