im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I was not drunk enough for that final.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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