Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Congratulations! We have a period
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
