I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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