I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
