I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
