She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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