She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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