If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
