I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
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