I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Randomize
