This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I AM VODKA MAN
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
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