I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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