did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
