You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
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