I haven't been this sober since birth.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
